


Ask Skyrim Johnkat - Battlehorn

by teaandcharcoal



Series: Skyrim Johnkat [3]
Category: Elder Scrolls, Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Elder Scrolls Fusion, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Early Modern Era, F/M, If you say skyrim happens in the middle ages I will fight you, M/M, Multi, Not right now but we're gonna get there, Polyamory, and then i'll figure out how I wanna tag it, because thats how you deal with gay marriage in a hereditary aristocracy, it's at least the 1500s my dude
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-07-12 10:51:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15993671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaandcharcoal/pseuds/teaandcharcoal
Summary: More in the realm of "after the happily ever after." They may have managed to save the world, but can John and Karkat handle the actual homecoming? If that seems like a step down, it's probably because early modern local government is a lot more complicated than it first appears. Especially because there's a lot of moving pieces in the Egbert Family once everyone comes home...(This au already had 250k before I even posted this, so you'd probably want to start there, but we are starting a big genre shift so you might be able to follow along without. Which is also why it's called Skyrim Johnkat, even though this is primarily in Western Cyrodiil)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's been playing both Oblivion and CK2? It's not a good combination.
> 
> Not sure how much of this I'll be writing and posting. It'll probably depend on a combination of inspiration and the response I get, because we are getting really, really deep into "the very specific list of things char likes" 
> 
> Also, if there's some sort of rule for how to tag polycules on a03 let me know. Because there's a bunch of nuance in this one (no incest in spite of the ck2 thing though, I promise).

You wake up alone and unsure where you are. It’s dark, but you can tell you’re in a small space. The walls are wavy- soft- is that fabric? You have covers over you. You reach up to pull them away and your hand brushes over tight, even embroidery.

Oh, that’s right. That’s _right!_

You sit upright and pull the curtain open. Immediately you have to turn away. Fuck! For such tiny openings, the windows in here sure let in a lot of light! Ugh, maybe you should just shut the curtain and go back to sleep. But you'd be alone. And you would really not mind having a nice solid John in your arms. Even if you have to go find him yourself.

You blink a few times and the rest of the bedchamber comes into focus: the bedside table, the wardrobes, the dark tapestries. Gods, it still feels like a dream. If you thought it was surreal waking up at your house in Whiterun, how do you even wrap your head around something this nice? Especially when your mind is hardly functioning. You get to your feet and shuffle towards the washbasin. The water has already been poured out and one of the towels is wet. That’d be John.  You wonder where he went and stare stupidly at your reflection in the mirror. It's a really good mirror. Also, have you always had that many freckles?

Then you decide this is a waste of time and just stick your head in the stupid basin. It’s still a bit cold, giving you enough of a shock to wake your dumb ass up. Oh fuck, that’s better. You clean your face and a few other bits, shave and… wait where did you put your decent clothes again? Of course, it takes you to the last drawer of the second wardrobe to find some clean pants.

From what John told you last night, no one else should be up here, but you don’t exactly want to be caught out in your underwear while you're still trying to make a good impression. You managed not to make a total skeever of yourself last night, and you’d prefer to keep it that way. But because you go to the effort, it’s just John. He sits at the dining table facing the window and doesn’t even look up when you open the door. You approach and gently set a hand on his shoulder. There are two plates loaded with several types of fruit and cheeses, very few of which you can identify with any certainty, and a scone each. John’s barely touched his and is instead staring out the window.

“Good morning,” you say.

“Morning,” he grunts in reply.

You look him over. He’s wearing a pale blue tunic with short sleeves. “Is that a new shirt?” You ask.

“Old one, actually,” he replies. His voice is flatter than usual.

“You okay?”

“Just thinking.”

Oh shit. You sit down in one of the other chairs and take his hand. “Look, I know this is new and different, but I… I’m trying. What did I do wrong yesterday? I’ll-”

He looks at you in confusion.

“What?” You ask.

“Kitten, you’re fine. I was just deciding how I feel about the fact that we fucked in my dad’s bed.”

You draw your hand back. “Wait, seriously?!”

Color rises in his cheeks. “I mean I know last night I was like ‘this is wrong in a hot way’ but now I’m thinking about the fact that I was probably conceived in that bed and that _he_ was probably conceived in that bed, and I’m not sure when exactly we got all this stuff but nanna might have been too and now I’m thinking maybe it’s just wrong in a weird way.”

You roll your eyes. “Come on, John. The sheets have probably been replaced since then, and if not I'm sure they've been washed.”

“I know,” he whines, “but still!”

“Look, it's objectively nothing. Remember what I told you about when I tried Summerset Slick?”

“I’m not really in a seducible mood right now,” he grumbles.

“Yeah, and this isn't the sexy part. I had to do that in my dad's bedroom because it was the only door that closed.”

He looks absolutely scandalized.

“Tribunal’s Ashes,” you say, smiling at him. “I don’t know where that stereotype about promiscuous, sexually open Imperials comes from. Sometimes you’re such a prude.”

He smirks. “Maybe it’s because we’re happy to come home with half-elves who brag about getting off by fingering themselves in their dad’s bed.”

“…Touché.”

Seeming more relaxed, John picks up a bright red berry and pops it in his mouth.

You pull out another chair and sit beside him. “Okay. So you wanna tell me what these are all called?”

“Oh! Sure!”

You go through your breakfast together, trying everything as John explains what it is. There are a few bits that you can tell have alchemical properties, but you’ll worry about experimenting with them later. For now, it’s more important just to be there with John. He feeds you a few of the pieces of fruit, and you swear those bits taste even sweeter. By the time you finish he’s got one arm around you and you’ve got your hand on his thigh and he seems to be in a much better mood. He leans in for a kiss and you accept, drinking him down like a chaser.

After you break the kiss, you press your foreheads together. His smile is sweet and soft and casual and gods, that kind of look just draws you in with no hope for escape. Then he closes his eyes for a moment and takes a nice slow breath. Gods you hope you're about to get a continuation of last night. The times you've made love like that have been few and far between and you think maybe, just maybe you’ll be able to get that feeling  again.

But then he lets you go and says, “We should head downstairs or we’ll never hear the end of it.”

“What if we just never leave?”

“Pfft, you’d be pacing around feeling trapped in a day.”

You’re enough of a man to admit that you pout a little. It’s usually a good way to get him to cave. But this time he doesn’t. He gets to his feet and takes what looks like a long coat from the back of his chair, even though it's Last Seed.

“Well, you can stay up here if you want. I promised Jake I’d give the apprentices some melee tips today, though.” He shrugs the garment on and the thin material falls to his knees.

You look down at yourself and suddenly wonder if you’re underdressed. “So, uh, is there some taboo about forearms in this part of Tamriel?” you ask. “Because I think if I wear a wool shirt out I’ll die.”

He laughs. “No, but you are going to want to get something to keep the sun off or you're gonna burn. But we can worry about getting you a lighter wardrobe later.”

“…Should I borrow one of your shirts?”

He pauses and gets a weird look on his face. “I mean… you can if you want.”

“What?”

“It would be fine. Might even be a good idea.” He shifts slightly.

You grin. “Fucking Nine, you’re into that aren’t you?”

“…Maybe.”

“You possessive little shit. You know what? Go get one.”

He moves a little too quickly back into the bedroom and comes back out a minute later with a white long-sleeved shirt. “Here.”

“And now you expect me to strip.”

He throws the shirt at your face. You laugh and take off your shirt. John’s too huffy to even watch. You’re kind of amused, but part of you is almost a little disappointed he’s not looking at you.

“Alright,” you say. “I’m decent.”

“Oh that’s so big on you!” He says excitedly.

You shuffle uncomfortably, tugging on the neck of the shirt.

“Well, not that big. It’ll be fine.”

“Okay, fine. But if I look over and see you half hard I’m going back to Skyrim.”

“Come on, give me _some_ credit!”

You stick out your tongue at him and head to the staircase. John follows you back down and all the way outside. It looks like it’s late morning, but it feels too awkward to ask. Jake’s out with the apprentices again. The older ones are sparring with swords while the younger ones practice on dummies. Jake turns to look at you and smirks.

“Finally,” he says. “Finished making kissy faces with Karkat?”

“Hang on a second.” John turns back to you and kisses you on the lips a bit longer than necessary. Gods, you can feel them staring at you. Your cheeks burn. Then he turns away. “Okay, yep, we’re good! Is my sword still around?”

“You have a sword?” you demand.

Jake and John both look at you like you’ve missed something really obvious.

“I was knighted?” John says slowly.

“You need a sword for that?” you demand.

“Of course you do! What do you think they do the knighting with?”

Fuck, like you didn't feel embarrassed enough before... “Come on! John, you know the Jarls will give their thanes any piece of shit!”

“Huh,” John says. “Hadn’t thought of that. But yeah, there’s a line in there about ‘take up this sword with which thou shalt protect the realm.’ Which come to think of it is also a little weird because they expect you to bring your own sword in, but I guess that's how it's been done for centuries.” 

“Let’s not overload the lad with too many details about the ol’ pomp and circumstance,” Jake says. He carries a sheathed sword in each hand and holds out the one in his left. “Besides, don’t want the apprentices to get sunstroke standing here in the courtyard all day. Is this the right one?”

John takes the sword and inspects the hilt carefully. He turns it over in his hands, pulls it out of the sheath a few inches and then smiles. “Yep, this is it!”

“Spot on! Alright then,” Jake turns his attention back to the apprentices. You scoot a little bit closer to them, just to be out of the way. “Since this is rather in your wheelhouse, would you like to take over, John?”

“Oh! Sure!” He clears his throat and raises his voice to address the apprentices. “So the first thing to know is that what's gonna work well for you is really dependant on how you're built. But size is less of an advantage or disadvantage than you might think. It just changes  how you're better off  doing things. So  like I’m gonna have a longer reach than Jake, but to be honest he could still kick my ass sometimes even after I got taller than him.”

Jake smiles. “In all fairness, a big part of that was that your coordination took some time to recover from suddenly being four inches taller. He would walk into all manner of objects too – it was such fun!”

John does his little annoyed half-pout. “Well, I was going to go more for the ‘use your enemy’s momentum against them’ kinda thing. But since you started it… the good news is now I’m a two-handed specialist and Jake went full wizard and in spite of what you’ve heard being bigger doesn’t actually make you move any slower. Now give us some space so I can show you how to properly kick someone’s butt!” He grins wickedly and draws his sword.

“Gods I’d love to see the look on your face if you’re wrong, though.”  Jake takes a few steps back, draws his sword and sets the sheath down gently over one of the dummy’s shoulders.

John tosses his to the side and then holds his sword with two hands. “So if you weren’t sure,” he says, “we’re both using hand and a half swords. If you’re carrying a weapon around on your own, versatility is important. Also, it means you can hand the weapon off to someone with a different speciality and it'll still work. And this way you're seeing two of the same weapon and not worried about the advantages or disadvantages of the weapons.”

“As per usual,” Jake says. “We’ll be showing honorable fighting techniques, _John.”_ John rolls his eyes. “But outside of duels, if you’re fighting bandits or there’s another war, remember that anything goes.”

“Atronachs and offhand fireballs!” John quips. “Super useful!”

“Mmm-hmm.” Jake brandishes his sword. “You ready?”

“As always.”

The two rush forward and clash. It’s hard to tell if Jake disengages on purpose or if John throws him back. Your heart races. Gods, why does it always make you so nervous to see John sparring with anyone but you? They come together a few more times, dodging or blocking one another’s blows.

“Wow, you’re not doing too bad for someone who mostly fights kids,” John teases. 

“It helps that you still wind up about a week in advance. Maybe try fighting with something lighter than a house for a change...”

John laughs at that, but stops as Jake charges forward again. They’re tangled in battle for a few more moments when you’re startled by a tap on the shoulder. You spin, reaching for weapons you don’t have. John’s uncle stands behind you, hand out, looking at you with mild amusement.

“Oh, uh, hi.” You say.

“Yes, good morning.” he says. “But now I'd like you to come with me.”

“Why?” You ask, trying to keep the nervous edge out of your voice.

“We need to talk about the work you'll be doing here.”

Your heart sinks. You've been worried about this part. “Oh, already?”

“Well before I drop dead is preferable. Unless you need to freshesn up on meele techniques?”

You remind yourself that John will be fine; that he and Jake have done this hundreds of times. You don't have to stand here like the apprentices.

“No, I'm fine.” you say. “Lead on.”

But Joel is already heading back inside. Fuck, for an old guy on crutches he can really move!

He takes you to the sitting room from yesterday. Its darker now. No fire is  roaring in the hearth, so the only light comes from a few sconces on the walls. You see several scroll-filled boxes and a larger number of thick tomes on the table, pinning down the corners of a large, detailed map labelled “County of Chorrol” facing the door. He moves to the far side, leans his crutches on the table, and sits down.

“So,” you say, “so where are we supposed to start?”

“Well, sit down at least. I believe we shall be here for quite a while.” He gestures to the chair accross from him.

You sit. His eyes are intense and his expression unreadable. You look over the books, but the spines have no markings on them. Considering that the cover on the top of the stack reads “Cyrodiilic Code of Laws Volume 1” you imagine it's just fucking riveting. The large clock in the corner ticks away. Fuck, it's already afternoon. How late did you sleep?

“So um…” You say, “Did you just want me to try to memorize these books or?”

“Aetherius, no,” he says. “You'll have to read them eventually, of course, but they are reference material. Hardly page turners. No, I had these pulled so you would know what they look like. Before I decide where to begin, though, I would like to talk.”

“About?”

“You, mostly. I need to know what kind of training you'll need. So what formal education do you have?”

In spite of the relative coolness of the room, you feel yourself starting to sweat. “Well, Dunmer have community schooling until fourteen. So that’s literacy, math, geography, some history-”

“What kind?” he asks.

“...Mostly Morrowind’s.” You admit. “A little bit of Skyrim. Some general Tamriellic.”

He takes a deep breath. “Okay. Anything else?”

“I like school subjects or-?”

“No, I have the gist of that. I mean any other training.”

“Well after that I was an alchemist’s apprentice for almost three years.”

“Only three?”

You fidget with the hem of your sleeve. “Well, I was kind of… run out of town when I was sixteen.”

“Ah, yes. I believe  John did mention that.” He frowns slightly.”

“I managed to get another…” you have to think about it for a moment. “yeah, five months in another town but then that master dropped me because the daughter of a rich woman wanted to learn alchemy. From there I was kind of… on my own.”

He takes another deep breath and says, “Okay. Not as good as I'd hoped but no worse than I feared.”

“I read!” You exclaim. “I know more about general history and literature and I’m at least good enough at alchemy to run my own shop. I speak four languages, too, and can understand a few more. I'm self-taught but I'm not totally ignorant!”

He smiles a bit at that. “Well, John may be an optimistic boy, but I'm glad he didn't over exaggerate. And for your part I'm glad you didn't lie, or that the two of you can keep a consistent story, which can be just as important as honesty. Now, is it also true that you kept the books for the two of you while you were adventuring?”

“Yeah. But… oh fu- heck, this is going to sound completely fake. But I kept them in my journal, and that was destroyed in (June) so I only have the last few months.”

“I'll want to see those later, but John insisted in his letters they were decent. Now…” he takes a very large book from the top of a pile on his side of the table and slides it over to you. “Take a look at this.”

You open it up and see a massive grid stretching out across the page. You see names, numbers, units, all kinds of information on the table. It's written in perfectly neat, clear block letters but none of it immediately translates into meaning.

“That's the projection.” Joel says. “We’ll get to that later. Go a few pages in. See if it starts to look more familiar.”

You do follow his instruction and then it starts to make more sense. The table takes on a more traditional date-name-memo-amount form. You let out a little sigh of relief. Thank Azura there's something familiar in here!

“Do you know what this is?” Joel asks.

“A ledger book.” You reply.

“Do you know how to use one?”

“Vaguely, but this… this one is really complicated. Do you have six accounts here? No, wait, one is… bushels of grain and then… four accounts and a total?”

“Very good! This is last year's budget for the entire barony. And it was the single most important document in this castle for that entire year.”

You wrinkle your nose. “Seriously?”

“Rule number one to governing is keep your troops happy. Rule number two is keep your people happy. That won't happen if they don't have food or money, and it's more likely to happen if they feel like their tax money is doing things that benefit them.”

“I suppose that's true…” you admit.

“So, here's the real question,” he folds his hands on the table. “Do you think you could manage this book?”

“Like right now?”

“No, not immediately. But if I train you, could you do this?”

You… you're not sure. Like the addition and subtraction  would be fine, but the projections and figuring out the actual budget… You look back down at the book and return to the introduction. You start picking out the math, all the factors that go into the table of calculations. You've never worked with numbers  that big but…

You look back up. Joel waits  calmly for your answer. You can't help but feel like this a trap. You know there's a right answer. You don't know if it's true, but you know it's what he needs to hear.

 “Yes,” you say firmly.

“Hmm… You have determination, it seems. That's a good start. However, I don't know if I fully believe you yet.”

You growl. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you have at most eight months to impress me. Before I allow you to marry the future lord of this castle, you need to show me you can keep it afloat.”

“And if you're not convinced by then?” You ask.

“We’ll have to break the betrothal.” He replies matter of factly. “We won't force you to leave, of course. Battlehorn could use an alchemist, and most people are happy enough to turn a blind eye to a noble’s affairs as long as they dont affect the management of the realm or produce too many bastards. But officially your relationship with John would have to end to make way for someone more advantageous to the barony.”

Yoy gape at him. “What? But John said we'd been approved!”

“Conditionally.” He replies. “Karkat, there are over three hundred and fifty people living within our boarders. The Egbert family has taken an oath to protect them. That includes John and it includes me.”

“I know,” you growl. “But I can do it. You have to believe me!”

“Don't misunderstand. I want this to work. I love my nephew, and you seem like a decent enough person. I would love for the pair of you to be happy together. This is the way it is, however, and the way it must be. I will try to help you, but I can't betray my concience.”

“I see…” you say.

“So, let's not waste more time.” He takes one scroll from the box to his right and hands it to you. “Since you understand the ledger, we’ll begin with our income. This, you'll see, is the simplified tax code…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a bit. I had a bunch of stuff to do, including moving and lots of job applications. Also there wasn't a huge flood of interest, so I figured I could take my time. 
> 
> The corollary to that, of course, being that if you want me to hurry it up already it might be a good idea to leave a comment! 
> 
> Also this chapter is literally my excuse to do world (or rather, city/culture) building. Also I still don't know how to write Jake. But he's even more older than canon Jake than John is from canon John, so that's my excuse.

It’s nearly sunset by the time you get to go back inside. The apprentices chatter excitedly amongst themselves, a few of them comparing new bruises. Part of you wants to join in, but that would mean admitting that you’re probably sorer and more beat up than they are. Of course, the last time you actually did intensive combat training was over a year ago now, so you have _some_ excuse. But it wouldn’t be enough to get Jake to let you live it down, so you stay quiet. At least adventuring and the little training you did kept you in shape, even if you're way out of practice, so it could probably be worse.  

“Not bad for your first day of teaching,” Jake says, clapping you on the shoulder.

“That's good to hear,” you reply. Then you lower your voice and add, “To be honest I didn't have any idea what I was doing.”

He shrugs. “Well most of your advice was spot on. I’m not sure what the uncles were planning to do with you, but if you've got the time I wouldn't mind a bit of help now and then.”

“Yeah! Sounds like fun!” You say. “At least better than sitting around a table looking at infrastructure maintenance schedules all day.”  

As you walk in you see that the hall is all set for supper, eating dishes out on the table already and the sconces and candelabras lit. Hunger gnaws at your stomach. And now that you think about it, it’s no wonder. You haven’t eaten anything substantial. Dad sits at the head of the table and smiles warmly at you. But you don't see any sign of Karkat or Uncle Joel. Did they somehow miss being called in?

You stick your head into the family room. Sure enough, Uncle Joel is leaning back in his chair as Karkat pours over a thick tome.

“Hey,” you say.

“Ah!” Karkat startles and sits bolt upright. He blinks at you owlishly. “Huh?”

“Hehe, sorry to interrupt, but food’s ready!”

“Oh…” he glances over to your uncle.

“Well go on,” Uncle Joel says. He grabs his crutches and starts getting up.

“Okay.”

You offer Karkat your arm and he takes it with a look of relief. “What, do you really think we starve people here? Look at me for goodness's sake.”

His upper lip twitches towards a smile. “That’s true.”

He's still a little awkward about walking with you. Your steps might be in sync, but he's used to a wider stance, to taking up space and it shows in the way he bumps into your hips and keeps almost stepping on your foot. You know even Liv would look down on it but it's so charming and good gods part of you hopes he never stops, even though deep down you know it’s only a matter of time before he learns.

The main hall is nicely lit, and in the time it took you to duck into the other room the servants have started bring out the food. Everyone else is already there, so you just head over to your seats. Karkat hesitates a little less than yesterday, sits a little less stiffly. It might help that he knows the food now, but he’s still uncharacteristically quiet. You can’t exactly bring that up in front of everyone, though, and your dad quickly engages you in a conversation about the day of training anyway.

Well, hopefully it’s still just nerves. Even if it’s not, you’ll get the chance to talk about it later. For now, you kind of just want to enjoy this. Marcellia didn’t pull out quite as many of the stops as she did last night, but everything is still amazing! You’ve missed her cooking, or even just _spices._ There’s so much stuff that just wasn’t available in Skyrim, even from the Khajiit or in Solitude. Jazbay grapes don’t have the right kinds of leaves to stuff, they don’t even fucking grow cucumbers up there for some reason, and by the eight you’ve missed good wine. You try not to stuff yourself too silly, because yesterday all you could do after dinner was drag yourself back upstairs and let Karkat have his way with you. Of course you weren’t exactly complaining, but tonight you have other plans.

(Although you might still try to pencil more sex in later.)

As the servants come back to clear the plates, Karkat gets up and starts heading out of the room.

“Hey wait!” you say, catching up to him.

“What!?” He snaps at you.

You take a step back and look at him.

“Sorry,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “What?”

“I, um, was just thinking that we should go to the baths tonight.”

He raises an eyebrow at you. “Seriously? We took one the day before yesterday!”

“So?”

“ _So_?” he repeats angrily, putting one hand on his hip.

“So Most people take one like… every day or almost every day.”

He gapes at you. “Why? It’s not like we’re sitting in pig shit all day!”

You roll your eyes. “Come on. It’s a way to socialize. Meet people!”

“While naked?” He hisses.

You sigh. “Oh this again…”

“Maybe I don't want people I'm trying to impress looking at my dick!” He shouts.

A young-ish apprentice looks at you, a little startled.

You just give him a look until he goes away, and then drop your voice really low and wiggle your eyebrows. “I mean, it is a nice dick.”

“John!” He turns an adorable shade of red.

“But even if it wasn’t, to be fair no one's going to be staring.”

He takes a deep breath. “Sure, whatever. It's not like I had anything else to do tonight.”

There might have been a twinge of sarcasm in that, but it’s hard to be sure. So you ask, “ _Did_ you have anything to do tonight?”

He glances over towards the east wing and then back to you. “You know what? No.”

You smile brightly at him and he practically melts. “Alright then, let's go.”

He takes your hand and the two of you leave the castle. While you were eating it's gone completely dark. The torchbugs have come out, the moons are massive and so low it’s like you could reach out and touch them. There's a lovely cool breeze too. You change your grip on his hand, intertwining your fingers together.  If only this was a bigger town! This is the kind of night where you should be running through the streets together, but you settle for a slow amble down the steep hill. It’s probably a little more romantic that way anyway.

 But Karkat doesn't seem to be enjoying this the way you are. He's coiled like a spring, tension stored in his shoulders. You bump into him in a bit of gentle reassurance. It does nothing. You sigh. Well, once he gets there you’re sure he’ll realize it’s not so bad. Maybe the hot water will help loosen him up a little.

The bathhouse is near the center of the village, right next to the temple, and the wooden structure is almost as tall. You pull open the large door and head inside. The murals painted onto the walls with their intricate geometric patterns of red and gold and emerald are familiar and comforting. Isatrix sits behind the counter, idly spinning one of her large braids. When she sees you her round face breaks into a big smile.

“Ah, Sir John!” She says. “I was wondering when you'd make it down here.”

You chuckle and place two Septims on the counter. “Yeah, we were busy last night.”

“Oh?” She looks at Karkat and then says “Oh!” and turns bright red.

“Come on, we were getting settled back in,” you say, rolling your eyes.

“Right, of course.” you can't read from her smile if she believes you or not. Instead she pulls a couple of baskets out from under the counter. “Well, have a nice time.”

“Thanks!” You say. You pick up the baskets and start heading through to the next room.

“How much was it?” Karkat asks, pulling out his purse.

“Don't worry,” you say, “I already paid for you.”

“Oh…” he follows you. “So this must be cheaper than Chorrol’s then?”

“It's more that the decent ones over there inflate the price to keep out poor people, and then the cheap ones can get away with being horrible.”

He wrinkles his nose.

“I know,” you lower your voice. “But to be honest they’d probably do it too here if they could get away with it. There’s just not enough of us here to keep two baths in business.”

The dressing room has a couple other people in it, two townspeople and one apprentice.

You place your baskets down on a bench and start disrobing. Karkat comes up beside you, takes a deep breath, and then reaches for his belt. His hands tremble slightly.

“What's wrong?” You ask.

He shrugs. “Still not used to this, I guess… getting naked in front of other people.”

“It's okay,” you reassure him. “Remember, no one's allowed to stare at you.”

“I know,” he snaps.

You place a reassuring hand on his shoulder. His muscles are like rocks. You gently work it and think maybe he's starting to relax a tiny bit. “Would it help if I scrubbed you down real good?”

“Maybe.” He murmurs.

“Want me to help you undress? Non-sexually of course.”

“Pfft, of course.”

He pulls his arms away from his trunk, giving you access. You keep his attention on you, joking and flirting with him, and it seems to work. He's not so stiff by the time you've stripped and gotten the water to wash with. When you start scrubbing his back, he actually leans into it. It probably helps that the others have filed out, leaving the two of you alone.

You stow your clothing baskets and return the washbasin to the rack. He still looks a little lost, so you take his hand and lead him out into the cold room. As always, it's a cacophony as dozens of kids run and splash and play in the single, large pool. Some parents seem kind of into it, or at least who want to indulge them, but there are others just clearly waiting to move on.

“Why are there kids here?” Karkat hisses.

“Why wouldn't there be?”

“Everyone is naked! And there weren't any in Chorrol!”

“Well yeah, who would waste the money taking a kid to a nice bath? It's not like _they_ care if it's dirty.”

He just balks at you.

You roll your eyes at him. “Ugh, fine. If you're gonna be that way we can just jump in real quick and then skip forward to the next room.”

“Why even bother going in at all, then?” he asks.  

“It’s good for you.”

“I’m calling bullshit on that.” He says.

“Nuh-huh.”

“Uh-huh.”

You feint by saying, “Well, listen, if you’d just-“ You then cut yourself off in the middle of your sentence to shove him into the pool.

He lets out a curse and tumbles backwards, as coordinated as a three-legged duck. The splash he makes goes about seven feet up in the air and soaks you but you have no regrets. You jump in right after him anyway. He comes up swearing and sputtering and finally says, “Egbert, I am going to fucking kill you!”

You laugh and splash him. He growls and splashes you back. But he failed to anticipate the fact that you grew up with three people that might as well have been older siblings in a culture that spends a lot more time in chest-deep water. You win hands down. But Karkat seems to enjoy it in spite of himself anyway. As you keep going his snarl fades into a smile, and he actually laughs along with you by the end.

Then he stops and looks around with concern, like he’s afraid someone is going to yell at him.

“Is… was that okay?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” you ask, pushing your wet hair back out of your eyes. “People do it all the time! …Usually people younger than us but still.”

“I mean… aren’t we supposed to be… like… well behaved?”

You smile at him. “Not here.”

His expression is hard to read, besides the fact that there are a lot of gears turning in his mind. But then he turns away to push himself back out of the pool. “Well,” he says. “I’m ready to move on, anyway.”

“Whatever you want.” You clamber out and lead him over to the door to the warm bath. The metal handle is slightly warm under your touch, and when you pull it you’re hit with a wave of steam. You inhale deeply, loving the way it feels in your lungs, but Karkat flinches away.

“It's not gonna hurt you,” you murmur, soothing your thumb over his knuckles.

“I know!” He snaps. He pulls his hand away and marches through the door.

You follow a step and a half behind, which gives you enough space not to bump into him when he stops dead shortly after.

“Where am I supposed to go?” He asks.

“In the water?”

“Well no shit!” He hisses “but where are we supposed to sit?”

“Wherever you want.”

“But isn't there like… a third most important spot you're supposed to be, and then a spot next to that where I go?”

“Like I said.” You take him by the hand. “Not here.”

You know everyone from the castle is probably here by now, but it's hard to be sure where, especially because you can't see shit. And, honestly… you don't think that's what Karkat needs right now.

Unlike the cold bath, this room is designed with sitting in mind, which means there are multiple little round pools to maximize the surface area. You manage to find one in the corner that's empty and you ease yourself down into the hot water, taking a seat on the submerged stone bench. Fuck, it's a massive relief on your muscles. It’s gonna be a rough few weeks as you get back into normal training mode. You sigh and look up at Karkat, who crouches nervously at the edge of the water.

You chuckle at him and hold your hand out. “Come on. It's nice.”

“Oh fuck no, you’re not pulling me in this time. He ignores your hand and sits down on the edge of the pool, sliding his legs into the water. He grunts softly. “It's a little warm.”

“That's the point.” You scoot off the bench so you can sink lower, letting the water go to your chin.

He grumbles something under his breath and slides in.

“Well,” he says. “At least now my lower half is covered.”

“Mmm-hmm,” you say.

“You're not really listening to me, are you?”

“Nnn-hnn”

You can feel him rolling his eyes at you. You're not sure if you care. But he doesn’t say anything. In fact, he stays quiet for a while. …For a bit too long, honestly. You open one eye and see him looking at you, little relaxed smile on his face, eyes half closed, expression full of love.

When he notices you looking he scowls and says, “It’s not fucking fair. No one of your size, rank, or fighting ability should be allowed to be as cute as you. When we’re in charge we need to make it illegal.”

“Haha, and then what? Have me throw myself in the dungeon?” you move back to the edge so you can sit next to him.

“Yes. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with your shit.”

“Uh-huh.” You put an arm around his shoulders and he sinks into your touch, closing his eyes. “Except that it should also be illegal for someone who swears as much as you do and is as brash as you are to be as cute as you are, so we’ll still be stuck together.”

He sighs dramatically “Well, guess I could think of worse fates.”

You press your cheek into his wet hair and hold him close. He sinks into your touch and his breath becomes soft and even.

“Don’t fall asleep on me, baby.” You murmur.

“I won’t.” he breathes back.

“See? I told you it was a good idea to come here.”

“Shush, you.”

“So…” You were about to ask him what had him so worried earlier, but then he looks at you. You’ve got his full attention and there’s not an ounce of that worry or stress from before. And you… you can’t bear to bring any of it back by reminding him of whatever it was.

“So?” he asks.

“Um…” Shit, you’ve gotta backpedal. Think of something else to say, idiot! “So have I sold you on this?” You flash him a shit-eating grin.

He scowls, but it’s one of the good-natured scowls. “Don’t get self-righteous on me, Egbert, it’s a shit look on you.”

“Pfft, you love it.”

“I do _not.”_

You scratch at his scalp and he whines softly.

_“Johnnn!”_

You giggle at him, as he bats your hand away.

“I’m not that much of a pushover!” He says.

“Sure,” you reply, sticking your tongue out at him.

He pushes you playfully and you wrap your arms more tightly around him, bringing him even closer to you. When you hear him chuckle you relax your grip and sink into your old cuddling position, closing your eyes and pressing your forehead into his temple.

“Now, now, where’s your other hand, John?” You hear Jake ask.

Karkat jumps, but you just lift up the arm that was behind his back. “Come on, dude, we’ve got our own suite. If we wanted to just make out we could do it there.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

You hear him slide into the water next to you.

“You just here to bug us, Harley?” you ask.

“No. The apprentices are just being such bloody mugs! I couldn’t stand it anymore.” 

 _“What does that mean?”_ Karkat hisses at you in Dunmeri.

_“Idiots, probably. Honestly I just guess.”_

“You do realize I’m sitting right here, right?” Jake asks. You can hear the scowl in his voice.

“Yup.”

“Heh,” when you open your eyes he’s smiling at you. “Gods, I have missed having you around.”

“Missed you too, dude.” You say. “Missed hanging out here with everyone. Do you know if Dad and Uncle Joel still come down most nights?”

“Do chickens lay eggs? Don't you worry, they'll come and make things nice and awkward for Karkat by giving the poor lad a vision of his future. Or yours, rather.”

You laugh at that. “Come on, dude, I’m 22. Let me be in denial about getting old for a bit!”

“Arthritis is coming, John,” he says, trying to keep up an ominous voice but laughing half way through.

“Nooo… Gods, you're such an ass. I can't wait until Jade and Jane are back too.” 

Jakes face falls and he says, “I'm not sure Jane is coming back.”

“What?” You demand. “She _has to_ come back.”

“Think about it.” He leans forward. “She’s been gone four years now, John. The quests aren't meant to be that long. And when we talked in Skyrim she… I'm not sure how confidential to be, but the gist of it is that she was considering staying in Elsweyr. With Roxy.”

“Oh.” You say, looking down. “I guess… I guess that kind of makes sense.”

“Yeah. Trading in being second in line for a barony to being the wife of a queen. Vampire or no that's quite a step up.”

“Yeah,” you say. Then you have a thought. “Fuck do you… do you think we'll lose Jade too?”

Jake looks grim, but then Karkat speaks up.

“No,” he says.

“How can you be sure?” Jake asks.

“You don't know her like we know her, babe,” you say, running your fingers through your hair. “It's not an ambition thing but she… she loves hard, man.”

“Then she's got to love you two, too. But it's more than that.”

“Huh?” You and Jake say at the same time.

“Well, if she was planning staying for Dave, he's not gonna be a vampire for much longer.”

“How in blazes do you know that?” Jake asks.

Karkat shrugs. “He told me. He trusts me, I guess. He said…” he glances at you. “Some shit about other worlds and lives and stuff. Apparently he thinks we used to be… close. Of course, you have to buy into his multiverse bullshit to believe that, which I don't.”

Jake frowns a little. “You probably shouldn't call it bullshit. I mean…” he lowers his voice and leans in a little. “I mean, it's like the divines. Sure, there's no real proof. They don't really talk to us, but it's really important to some people.”

You sigh. “Jake, we went to Sovngarde.”

“You went to a place you _thought_ was Sovngarde. And talked to someone who called himself Talos. Doesn't mean he was more than a really powerful ghost. If he really was a god he would have helped in the war, wouldn't he have?”

You roll your eyes. “You weren't there, Jake.”

“I mean, don't get me wrong. Dirk believes in some ‘dormant’ All-Maker, and I let him have that. I don’t have to agree with his nonsense to be okay with him believing it.”

“Hang on,” Karkat demands, crossing his arms. “Are you seriously a fucking atheist?!”

“Oh not at all!” He lowers his voice again. “I just think if you're going to put your energy into praying to a god, it should be one that actually answers now and then.”

“Oh.” He smiles. “Got it.”

It's about then that your father and uncle do, in fact, show up. And then Karkat gets _really_ awkward. He practically tries to burrow into your armpit.

“Ah, I’m glad to see you boys made it tonight,” your dad says. “I worried your time in Skyrim might have turned you off of all this.”

“Pfft, no,” you reply. “Karkat just needed a bit of time.”

“Ah, of course.”

Your father and uncle go down the stairs, easing their way down into the hot water.

“Uh,” Karkat says, glancing at the two of them. When he speaks, you hear him trying to form his words into the crisp ‘proper’ accent. “Is this… okay?”

“Is what okay?” Uncle Joel asks.

“Me being here.”

Your father chuckles. “We’re Imperials, my child. We wouldn’t deny a person their nightly bath.”

“Besides,” Uncle Joel adds. “I thought I mentioned, you can learn on your own time. It’s up to you to figure out how much you’ll need.”

“Oh, right.” He pauses for a moment, as if to think.

Which is nice, because it gives you the time you need to put the pieces together too. The poor guy just got himself all worked up over some stewardship lessons. It’s kind of cute, how hard he wants to impress your family.

Before you can open your mouth to sooth him, “Lord Egbert, I-“

“Please,” Your dad says, “No ranks once we enter the baths proper. If you’d like you can call me Dad or father, since you’ll be my son in law soon. Otherwise, everyone else calls me Jack here.”

Karkat looks constipated.

“Babe, what is it?” you ask.

“Gods, no offence, but Imperials are just so, _so_ weird.”

That makes all of you laugh. He groans at you and then you stop to say, “Oh, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter one this time. I have a bit more, but I finally decided it didn't feel quite right to attach this to that other stuff. 
> 
> I'm also not sure when the next update will be. I'll be a bit busy for the next few weeks, but we'll hopefully be back soon after that!
> 
> Also, I'm sorry I missed jade's birthday, but here's a fairly jade-centric chapter.

It’s cold, if the slow temp of the crickets’ song is anything to go by. There’s nothing like pre-dawn in a swamp. Well, it smells like death and every step you take your boots sink deep into muck, but hey at least the mosquitoes seem to be having a good time. It probably doesn’t help that it’s so humid you have dew forming on your skin. Jade tries to keep on a brave face, but you’ve spent enough time together to know she’s miserable. She has a thick cloak drawn tight around her and she tries to hide her shivers. You told her she didn’t have to come, but she insisted. You just wish that Falion could have picked some place a little nicer for her sake.

But maybe it’s somehow fitting to be here. You think you were born somewhere nearby. It’s hard to tell for sure, though. Morthal isn’t an ancient city like Solitude or Windhelm, and the landscape, as unchanging as it seems across one lifetime, has been deeply altered over millennia. Fuck, back then this was a river, but at some point it must have burst or just grown wider and wider until it turned into a fucking swamp. You know there are no remains of the estate, and good riddance for that. You hope it’s buried under six feet of slaughterfish shit.

Goddamn you should have written a book. Maybe a lot of books, all “Yo what up this is Dave here to spill millennia of my deepest darkest feewings using slang from like at least seven centuries and I won't give a fuck because I'm too dead to cringe can you dig it?” You wonder how stupid you could make it and still have it be a reliable enough source historians would have to use it.  You imagine a short fat man with a long white beard reading, “and thus noted ex-immortal Dave said, 'potema was a crazy fucking bitch, probably because I said she wasn't half as hot as her grandfather. Because his ass was like the Rift and hers was Whiterun, you feel? And, yanno, she had really bad acne scars and didn't have a perpetual glamor on after she turned thirty.” Fuck that would have been good. Eh, if this works like it's supposed to, you'll still have some time. Maybe the deadline will motivate you.

The thoughts of how you'd write your memoirs no one asked for distract you from the gravity of this situation. Over four thousand years of existence and this might be where it all ends, but you can’t even get a good look at it, the fog is far too thick. Then you start to be able to make out a large, grey shape. Soon after, it solidifies into the ruin. You walk up to the stone circle, run your hand along it, feeling the uneven lichen over the stone that’s been rubbed smooth by centuries of exposure. But you can still feel the magic under the surface, the old Nord kind that had been forgotten centuries before you were born.

“You sure about this?” Jade asks you for the thousandth time.

“I am,” you reply, firm as ever.

A man in black robes melts out of the fog. Shit, you didn’t even hear him coming. You wonder if he knows how to teleport. After all, this kind of magic is probably illegal too.  

“Do you have it?” he asks.

“Nah,” you say, pulling the black soul gem out of your pouch. “Just dragged you out here for fun.”

“This is scarcely a time for jokes,” Falion says.

“Might be about to die,” you say, shrugging. “If not now, when?”

He sighs. “I suppose that’s true. But we don’t have much time. The ceremony must be done at dawn.”

“I know.” You’d be happy to give him more shit, but he’s right. You’re starting to feel the itch that warns you of the sun’s approach. You hold out the soul gem and he takes it from you.

“Alright,” he says, “stand right there. You’ll have to step away, miss.”

Jade looks at you. Her mouth is a flat line, but her eyes are big and sad and she looks like she might be about to cry.

“Hey, hey, you’re gonna be alright, okay? Worst case scenario, Ty's gonna let me back into Sovngarde, and I'll be fine.” You squeeze her hand and lean in to give her a kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She backs off, moving to the edge of the little island as you climb up and take your place in the center of the circle.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath as Falion begins the incantation.

“I call upon Oblivion realms. As the sun ends the night, end the darkness of this soul! Return life to the spirit you see before you!”

“What, is that it?” You try to ask, but before the first word can make it out of your mouth the black soul gem shatters in his hand.

 Light rushes out and pierces you right in the chest. It burns, and there’s a harsh pressure. Your vision goes completely white and that pressure pulses through you again, and again, and again. There’s no sign of it stopping. You stagger backwards as thousands of tiny points prick your face and hands. Once they make their way into your skin they pull more and more energy from you - fuck, wasn't it supposed to give you life energy or some shit? Your entire body shudders over and over again. Your chest feels so empty it _aches._ Your stomach churns and you feel nauseous. You clutch yourself and sink to the ground.

“Dave?” Jade asks nervously, “Are you okay?”

As you inhale to speak the pain in your chest subsides. “I… I don’t…” The words feel odd as they roll over your tongue. No, wait, not your tongue. Your _teeth._ You run your tongue over your canines. They’re a half inch shorter than they were a moment ago. The shaking – no, _shivering_ – is getting worse, and your teeth start chattering a little. You’re _cold._ The pressure isn’t stopping because it’s your _heart._ Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

You let out a startled laugh, then another, then you’re just standing there on the rock laughing like a fucking maniac.

Jade approaches nervously. “Dave?”

You try to stop her. To tell her that you’re okay. No, better than okay. You’re _alive._ It worked. You didn’t turn to dust, your neck didn’t re-snap, you didn’t immediately age like a million years, and _it worked_. You throw your arms around her and she’s so warm. And it’s so _nice_ now. You could feel when things were warmer than room temperature before but it never used to matter, it never felt good like it does now.

It’s hard to say if it’s your response or something about your body itself that tips her off, but as soon as she figures it out she squeezes you tightly.

“Divines and daedra!” She squeals. “I can’t believe that worked! Thank you, Falion, thank you so much!”

“It’s my pleasure,” the man says. “But, now that you know it’s safe, I hope you keep your end of the deal.”

“You’re kidding right?” Jade says, wrapping her cloak around you a little. “It's Dave. He won’t shut up about this for _decades._ Every vampire on Tamriel is gonna know in like a month.”

You bob your head up and down excitedly. Your shivering has subsided a bit, pressed up against her as you are, but answering would mean pulling away a little and you don't want to.

Falion smiles. “Well then, I’d best be heading back to town. After all, I’ve got to be rested up if enough members of your coven decide they want the cure too.”

He turns and walks away into the swirling mist.

“So what do we do now?” Jade asks, rubbing your back gently.

You kind of want to stay snuggled up against her, safe against the cold with your cheek against her boobs. All-maker, she’s so warm. And when you hold her, when you kiss her, she’s so soft. She runs her hand down your spine and you stroke her hair. But you're also tired and wet from trudging through the swamp and wet and cold is bad now and beyond that you’ve got a lot of malaise going on and you have no idea what it is beyond your body trying to tell you to take care of needs you've forgotten even existed. But Jade’s so warm…  

“Fuck…” you murmur. Honestly you didn't think you'd make it this far.

She giggles, “I’ll take that as a suggestion! Well… after we get back into town. It's a little chilly out to get naked.”

A pang races through your upper abdomen as she pulls away. You're not sure why – she hasn’t touched you there. Then your stomach lets out a loud rumble.

She grins. “Well, maybe after we get some breakfast.”

“Shit. Is this what being hungry is like? God I just thought about food and yes, yes it is. Fuck, what do I even like? I don’t remember.”

“Well, let’s find out!” Jade takes you by the hand and leads you back out of the swamp.

You get back to the inn and the answer is _everything._ Greasy sausages, fried eggs, dense rolls covered in thick jam. You eat so much your stomach hurts, but you don’t even care. Even plain water tastes amazing, more refreshing than blood ever was. Eventually, though, your body forces you to call it quits. If you eat any more you’re afraid you’ll throw up, and you don't want to taint this day with that kind of fuck up.

You tell Jade as much and she laughs at you. “Seriously, Dave? What happened to that stoic self-control?”

“Hey, you don't eat for four thousand years and then try to chill.”

She starts laughing again and it’s beautiful. Her voice is light, airy like small, finely-made windchimes. Her eyes crinkle up at the edges, but they still sparkle so brightly. She’s gotten a few new little metal baubles woven into her braids and they catch the early morning light beautifully. And now that your other needs are fulfilled, you wouldn’t mind going back to cuddling and maybe… maybe a little bit more. You wonder how different it would feel to have her now. It’s not like you got laid the last time you were alive.

“So, uh, you wanna go bed for the day?” you ask.

Her smile goes a little wicked. “I’d be happy to.”

The two of you make your way to your room. You keep it as casual as you can on the way, but the moment she closes the door she’s on you. She plucks the strings of your doublet until it’s loose enough for her to pull it up over your head. You inhale deeply and then sigh with relief. And it’s not just your stomach that feels better with the extra room – you hadn’t realized how tight that damn thing was around your chest until you needed to breathe all the damn time. Dammit, you’re gonna have to have another one made. You just hope it'll be able to keep you as flat.

But you don't worry about that. Not in front of Jade. After all, you _like it_ when she sees your boobs. She pounces on you, tackling you onto the mattress and you feel so free, so loose. Your heart races and your breath hitches as she takes a hold of your tits through your shirt. Blood is rising in your cheeks – and it’s not just some cold stolen shit, it’s real and living and yours. God, now it's almost too hot!

“How you feelin’ there, Dave?” she asks.

“Really fucking human,” you reply.

“Ha! Is that good or bad?”

“So fucking good.” You grab the back of her neck and pull her down for a searing kiss. At the same time you lift one of your legs, press your thigh between hers. She rubs against you just a bit and then pulls away.

You just look up at her as she stares back at you. She looks surprised, beautiful full lips ever so slightly open.

“What’s up?” you ask.

“Your eyes are still red.” She says, tracing your cheekbone. “Actually, a little redder than before.”

“Fuck… Do you think it only half worked? I mean, clearly something has happened here. Wait, do you think you’re supposed to be that way?”

She lets out a disbelieving laugh. “For real? How do you not know that?”

You scoff. “Well it ain’t like we had access to a ton of mirrors in the slave quarters in the first era.”

“Well yeah, but…” she traces your cheek bone. “Donno. It just feels like the kind of thing you should remember. And I- I guess I never thought about what color they’d be when you turned back.”

“Me neither,” you admit. “I was too busy thinking about other stuff.”

“Like what?” She smiles from ear to ear, her hair spilling over her shoulder and making a curtain around you. Her brillaint green eyes glimmer in the morning light like the back of those beetles that are way too fucking pretty to be bugs. Her weight and her warmth and the feeling of her soft hands on your face…

You're Dave fucking Strider. You should have a speech. You should find some obtuse way to tell her you love her without ever saying the words that’ll make her grin and laugh and call you a dork as she kisses your brain out. But she's so beautiful and you love her so much and your brain stops working.

“You wanna get married?” you ask.

The words leave your mouth before you even really think about them and you flinch. You had been thinking, maybe fantasizing, but you hadn’t planned on just putting it out there!

But then she grins and says, “Oh _fuck_ yes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” She giggles. “Can’t let John and Karkat have all the fun.”

“Shit I forgot about that. Hope we don't get too much shit for stealing their thunder. Aw fuck, we need to find a jeweler too, don’t I? Didn’t think I’d get this far to be honest.”

Jade laughs at you in that bright, free way you love. “Well, we'll worry about that tomorrow,” She says, unlacing her bodice. “I think we’ve got some other stuff to take care of in the meantime...”


End file.
